i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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