and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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