just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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