Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
