Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
