There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
