The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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