I got chris browned last night
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
