I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We are all done wearing pants today
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
