I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize