You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
