Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
