So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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