Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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