nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
