Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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