I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Randomize
