You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize