there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
