and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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