I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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