She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My feet surprised me
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
