My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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