You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Did I show you my penis last night?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
