when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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