can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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