i already hear my dad disowning me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
