i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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