I like my sex mixed with concussions.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
