...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
