totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
