so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
