Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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