At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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