my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize