and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
