She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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