How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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