At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
