I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
