you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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