Don't you send me to vm
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
