Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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