Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
