I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
