Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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