if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
