I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
