my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ladies don't puke and tell
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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