Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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