I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
