John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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