my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
