My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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