I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
