I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
