My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Houston, we have a squirter
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
