i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
