Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize