the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
