I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
