Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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