I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
