You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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