Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
